This spring has been kicking my ass.

Some of this is logistical, secular, physical ass-kicking: a series of killer migraines, a trip to urgent care (due to a particularly tenacious killer migraine), kid with the flu, busy calendars, unforeseen expenses, etc. etc. etc.

But yesterday I finally realized—thanks to the conversation with a wonderful friend who happens to be my priest—that a good part of my malaise is also existential. There’s the living through this particular moment in time+space, plus living through this particular moment in my personal life timeline, which feels like the realization of a LOT of purposeful, effortful growth. I can clearly see, to borrow a phrase from Lucinda Williams, “the fruits of my labor.” But instead of feeling great about that, I have spent the last several days in a state of near-total overwhelm, including being overwhelmed about feeling overwhelmed.

Can anyone relate?

Thankfully, life threw me a bone in the form of that previously-scheduled-meeting with my priest/friend Carissa. So when we sat down for coffee and began to check in, I could not help but to unload all of my troubles, questions, and angst. She listened with patience and care, as the best of priests/friends do, and then told me I was right where I needed to be, reminding me of something I know but had momentarily forgotten: when we level up, it is essential to recognize what we have done and acknowledge ourselves for the work. And, leveling up also means opening ourselves up to a whole new world of challenges. There is no “arriving”; there is always only the work, which we can opt into or out of. (92% of the time, I am an “opt in” kinda gal.)

Where am I being called to go deeper? What has emerged that’s in need of healing? Which old modes of operating no longer serve? How can I get out of my own way?

These are the questions I am asking as I let the spring have its way with me. I am thankful that this spring, in addition to being an ass-kicker, has also been incredibly beautiful: weather, flowers, creatures, and trees. Some days it is the blue sky only that reassures me all will be well, the canopy of wise trees backgrounded with the aforementioned sky who stand inside their own notions of time, witnessing but not giving a fuck about my human stuff. I am so very grateful for them, and for all of you.

I’d like to share a poem today for my paid subscribers. I tend to eschew a paywall, for reasons I won’t go into here, but at a time in my life where every dollar truly makes a difference, I want to express my gratitude to the folks who have shared generously and supported my work financially. Though words are my thing, it’s hard to express how much your faith in my voice means to me. That faith has carried me many a day and I am so grateful.

Love to you all,

Nishta